The Language of Coffee Shops

Apparently I do not speak clearly enough. Perhaps, it’s a matter of my Boston and New York accents getting jumbled up. Or maybe I fail to speak loudly enough although I never thought that was a problem. Do I talk too fast?

So, I go into this Dunkin’ Donuts, right. I say, “I would like a medium, decaf, iced coffee with cream and sugar”. The twelve year old young lady behind the counter (Nitwit, for short) says, “The decaf is just finishing brewing. It will be one minute”.

Now, I go get a straw and some napkins. I linger around the register but let another customer go ahead and order. I want to remain visible because I understand that these folks suffer from the combined attention span of nits. I do want to eventually end up with coffee.

A second Nitwit, helpful counter person, arrives with a medium, hot coffee with cream and sugar. I look at it. I look at my straw and napkins. I do a quick calculation regarding the time spent explaining that I wanted an iced coffee versus just taking the damned hot coffee. I take the hot coffee.

Am I the only one who noticed? Did the ladies at some point signal each other in code to say, “Hey, only hot coffee for the bald guy. No iced coffee for him.”

 I take the hot to the car and I’m so unsettled I drink from it straight away burning the entire top of my mouth. Where, I wonder not for the first time, did I go wrong?