Time Share, Inc.

My late wife Martha liked time share vacations. She enjoyed planning in advance which is absolutely required to get anything out of this racket, she worked hard at her real job too, she was a real type-A person, and she needed time away. Time share forced her, us, to take actual vacations. These vacations took us away from the house, the boat, the grandkids, the shopping, washing, cleaning, fixing and cooking.

I am less of a planner. I don’t like recreational stuff with lots of complicated rules, extra fees, crabby and unresponsive employees. One of our time shares is a tenth share in a nearly always bankrupt resort on Hilton Head Island. It is actually a lovely spot and reasonably well maintained. I like going there. I ride my bike on the beach and swim every day.

Martha bought this second hand, maybe ten years ago. It is actually deeded property. I pay a maintenance fee for the weeks every year. So far everybody makes money except me. In September the management company sends this incredibly snotty six page letter explaining what I had better do and when, down to the minute, in order to be able to pay them this “maintenance” fee and use any of these weeks.

You would not believe the tone of this thing. The fall after Martha died I missed the deadline to call them to get in line to see if they might have a room for me at the inn. When daughter Jessica and I thought to discuss it later that fall and I called the resort the lady on the phone she was astonished I had the gall to expect to be able to stay there that next year.

I explained, in that case, I wouldn’t be forwarding the required “maintenance” fee by the date required and my daughter, the lawyer, would be in touch. The lady at the resort sighed a big sigh and suggested she would try her best to accommodate an idiot such as myself. Not surprisingly she did.

The next year I called on time and three minutes after the 12 noon deadline they answered my call and I was given number 64. I filled all the paperwork and again paid my bill. I enjoyed my visits as always.

Last year I forgot to call. What can I tell you? I’m a busy guy. Instead of calling when I remembered and talking to the time share ice princess I simply filled out the paperwork with the same priority number 64. Everything went through. I enjoyed my visits.

This year I was in Texas when I was required to call and I got the time difference confused so I was an hour late in calling. What can I tell you? I’m not very bright either. The lady on the phone suggested I give up all hope but when I insisted she give me my number she gave me priority number 63!

You have to admire some people and the rackets they run. I know I do.