Walking to France, the exercise routine of an elderly man

It is about 3400 miles give or take from my house to the shores of France. Perhaps a little less since I got that figure from a website that insisted I use cities rather than countries in its little “From” and “To” boxes and Paris is the only city I know of in France that I can actually spell. So the mileage is from here to Paris to be precise.

At the rate of two miles a day, this trip will take me 1700 days or almost 5 years. What the Hell, it’s a goal.

I walk on my treadmill for about 36 minutes each day. After warming up for 5 minutes at a speed of 3.4 MPH, I travel uphill, starting at the 1.5 incline for 5 minutes, and then 3.0 incline for 5 and finally 4.5 for 5. Then I start down the hill using the same approach, 3.0, then 1.5 and finally 0 incline. At this point I begin to do what I call “running” at a speed of 5 MPH.

What this really looks like, I’m told, is an old guy about to fall forward and, therefore, speeding up just enough to make the inevitable crash more damaging. Except, if I’m lucky, there is no crash because I’m holding onto the handlebars for all I am worth. This insanity sometimes goes on for as long as two minutes.

Now, sweating like a pig, I drop to 4 MPH and begin to wind down slowly to 3.0 MPH and stop the machine at or around 36 minutes.

I have usually covered slightly more than 2 miles and burned around 250 calories or the equivalent of two dietetic cookies. The whole time I am listening to rock music from two speakers I have cobbled to the front of the treadmill using elastics and the unit’s cup holders. These are attached to my laptop so I can use Pandora as the music source. I’m convinced any relative entering the house during one of these sessions would have me in a home before the treadmill shut down.

I drink water as I trudge along. I really want coffee but I haven’t figured out how to contain and hold it without spillage. As if this was not enough, I go directly to a little lean to affair that helps me to do sit ups. I do twenty, grunting and groaning the whole time.

At last, I collapse into my chair and begin meditating, hoping to forget anything that came before, like the exercise. But we have already discussed that.