Squirrels, part two

Did I ever mention that I hate squirrels? Yes, as a matter of fact I have. As comedian Jeff Stilson implied, they are just rats with bushy tales. At my old homestead in New Hampshire I once attempted to remove as many squirrels as possible from my bird feeders by trapping them in Have-A-Heart traps and relocating them to a charming squirrel preserve on my way to work.

An environmentalist wrote to the local weekly paper that I was “creating a void in the natural world” if you can believe it. Needless to say, I stopped, simply because it sounded like such a terrible thing to be doing.

But I do hate the little bastards. This winter I, once again, put seed out for birds. I maintain three BIRD feeders in my yard along with half a dozen bird houses. I have no squirrel feeders. Perhaps I need a sign. Besides stealing my seed, the squirrels are quite destructive. They will actually chew and scratch away wood to gain entrance to the eaves of the house or to get into the barn or even to enter a big birdhouse. They will knock a bird feeder down that doesn’t give up the seed easily to them and break it up on the ground.

The mother of a friend used to collect the acorns in the fall and keep them in a basket by her chair next to the window. When she saw the squirrels make an assault on her bird feeders she would use her sling shot to pummel them with acorns. She was a good shot! It was a very effective remedy and lots of fun. Sound environmentalism. No squirrels were actually killed or badly injured during this exercise. But the feeders went weeks without attack.

My neighbor across the street is even more draconian. He has a garbage barrel under his feeders. The pole from an old broom is draped across the top opening and held on the top by the barrel’s handles. When a squirrel jumps up on top of the barrel said squirrel attempts to travel across the pole to get at the feeders. The pole then spins and neatly drops the squirrel into the water filling most of the barrel. Drowning ensues. Unfortunately, I can’t bring myself to set up such a system in my yard. I mean, what does one do with drowned squirrel exactly? I have enough of a moral dilemma getting rid of the mice I kill, but that’s another story.

I took to putting red pepper in my bird seed early in the winter. For a while it seemed to discourage some squirrels. The birds didn’t seem to notice. But as winter progressed the effect seemed to wear off. I bought an expensive bird feeder that closes and flings the squirrels to the ground when they mount it. I find it amusing but I can’t afford more than one.

I own a lovely flat feeder that I’m told attracts different birds. I placed it atop a tall pole. The squirrels climbed the pole despite the squirrel baffle and the grease and ate all the seed, then sat triumphantly on the top and gloated.

Today, a squirrel attempted to climb one of my windows to get at a small feeder attached by suction cups. Each time it slid to the bottom sill scratching wildly at the glass. Does home owners insurance reimburse for such a thing?