I purchased six preserved star fish on the Chinese black market. I put them in the front windows. All the old houses here have those little window panes. Nine over six, six over six, twelve over six. And we all have crap in the windows. Star fish, candles, oil lamps, ship models. I don’t know why. I guess it’s required.

Anyway, I put the star fish in the windows with their good side out. Like you do when you erect a fence. The good side faces the neighbor’s house. Then I took a bike ride by the river and looked at the windows in other old houses. All the star fish were facing into the house with the mouth side facing out. Every single one.

Who makes these rules. And where does one look up the “star fish facing rule for old house windows”!

I know why we have to only have white Christmas lights in our windows during the holidays. The local Historic District Commission requires it. Is there a star fish commission?