Doing something different in retirement

So, what shall I do in my retirement? For quite awhile I told folks my plan was to become the “angry” greeter at Wal*Mart. And why not? Doesn’t that sound like fun? I would stand between the sliding doors at the entrance with a cart in my hand. And I would push the cart at the next customer while shouting, “Come on. Get in here you fat bastard and buy some junk made in China!” Or something along those lines.

It was pointed out to me that after a couple of these exchanges, I would probably be without a part-time job. But, hell, it would be fun while it lasted.

A similar short term position might be as the guy who checks to make sure the customer actually paid for the electronic crap he’s carrying out of Best Buy. I could do a whole thing about thieves and demand to know if everything in the bag was paid for at the check-out counter. I think I could really piss off the people who had actually paid while letting everyone else slide right through!

Then it occurred to me that I was good with small boats, navigation, repairing outboard motors. How about Somali pirate? One German or Dutch freighter and I would have a share of a couple of million dollars. Now that’s almost enough to actually retire on. Stay away from the American and Russian flagged boats of course. People are actually getting shot in those transactions!

Or, I could always be on the radio. I figure I would heal people with different afflictions. Who would know the difference? It’s radio for Christ’s sake! Well, I should actually say Jaysus, you know, practicing. I remember traveling through the deep South a hundred years ago and looking for something on the radio in my old car. And, suddenly, there he was: the Reverend Billy Joe Bob and he was a-healing for all he was worth. The fella with him on this particular hot and steamy evening had an unusual problem, “I can’t sweat”, he shouted. Billy Joe Bob prayed to Jaysus with all his might. “Dear Jaysus”, he went on, “reach down and help this poor boy, help him dear Jaysus, help this boy”. And in the background you could hear that poor boy shouting, “I’m sweatin’, I’m sweatin’!